We all have days where we are not mentally or emotionally prepared to deal with the nonsense that comes with being an adult. I happen to love my job and care about the work I do, so this happens less frequently to me perhaps, but I still have days when I do not have the capacity to deal with nonsense. Those are usually the days where nonsense seems to thrive and replicate easily. On such days, it can be really tough to force the exterior to look as though things are going well and that I am ready and willing to help, as needed. It requires being able to bifurcate oneself into two separate halves: one is good natured and eager to dig in while the other rests just below the surface, fed up, worn out and ready to light out for the territories.
Years ago, a former boss made a joke that stuck with me. They said that there are actually two Daves. One is a professional who ha(d) to wear a tie every day. This is “Inside Dave”. Inside Dave says yes to assignments and meetings, obeys when the bosses change the schedule in an adverse way and readily rushes to help with those ‘other duties as required’.
Then there is Outside Dave. This is the Dave that mostly everyone outside of work gets to see. This Dave doesn’t wait to cuss until he’s out of earshot. This Dave is gruff and jealous of his free time. He prefers to be with his family and in his own home. This Dave really doesn’t willingly suffer fools (and there are just so many). According to his children, he sighs a lot and almost always looks ill-tempered.
These two halves of my personality—as it were—are actually the same person, but the former is required to behave a certain way in order to stay employed. Since this is necessary to keep the family off the bread line, it seems tolerable most days. The latter is more churlish, less patient or eager to please, yes, but also usually a bit happier because he’s most often found where he loves to be anyway: at home with his family. Outside Dave is free and therefore freer to be himself. Inside Dave has a mold to fit and he does it daily without excuse.
Some days though, the act is harder than others. Some days, it is tougher to cover the natural man and pretend to be amenable to yet another meeting or schedule dispute or to put up with the often fantastically stupid behavior of others. Sometimes the banalities of professionalism irritate and wear me down and when this happens, Outside Dave, who has less patience for this nonsense, shows up with a deep sigh and the glint of battle in his eyes.
I have managed to train myself to keep this particular situation a rarity. Staying out of the public and my coworker’s eyes, if possible, is always preferable to throwing things or cursing loudly at coworkers. I have been known to train my anger into a highly focused cleaning session, which is good for everyone, I hope. I can go into my cubicle and close the shoji screen, or I can go out and work on the Mobile Library for an hour or two. I try to keep myself to myself on days like these, mainly because I cannot be responsible as much as usual for my facial expressions which will denote just how unable I am to deal with unmitigated baloney.
We all struggle from time to time to find and maintain balance between these halves of our nature. It can be difficult to feel happy all the time (or even any of the time). Happiness has been set up as a ludicrous goal of being. Cultural pressure seems to say if you’re not happy all the time, then you’re living your life badly. This is just more nonsense, however.
Happiness isn’t a perfect or fully achievable state of being, nor ought it be an ultimate goal. There is no magical place where we cross an unseen threshold and suddenly we’re happy permanently. This is a myth sold to us by advertisers who think we only care about the absorbency of paper towels and the bounciness of space-age foam beds. No one is ever fully happy all the time and the mindless state that would ensue if that were the case would have us all in the laugh academy.
Happiness, the ancients tell us, is a choice. We can choose to be happy when we realize that we’re actually quite lucky to be alive in the moment. Gratitude takes us to a place of joy, because things could always be worse.
There is a wonderful aphorism that I learned in AA, “Have a good day unless you’ve made other plans.” I keep a tiny piece of paper with this motto written on it in my office where only I can see it from my desk. It keeps me remembering that, despite how much I may hate it, I have full control over my response to the world and the absurd comedy of other people’s mindless and self-absorbed actions. I may not be able to control them, but I can choose how I respond.
Another trick I learned is, if you’re having a bad day, you can stop, breathe, take a moment to recenter yourself and start the day over right there and then. No need to carry around a whole heap of bad attitude and grievances and frustrations from or for other people. Just let it all go (who is it helping, anyway?) and start the day anew. Outside Dave is fantastic at this trick. When Inside Dave is full to the ears with the people and the world around him, Outside Dave says, “Hey, restart!” It helps.
These may seem like cheap, pop psychology tricks but they actually work well if you take time to acknowledge how you’re feeling in the moment and then decide that you’re the one in control of how you respond to life's problems. It takes effort to realign the mental wheels. The first flush of emotion is often enough to set the whole day circling the drain. I have to work to rememnber that our days are limited and we’re often unaware of just how quickly they pass (or of how much they are worth in that moment). If we remember these tricks, though, a bad day can just be a bad few moments. It’s no one’s fault (or maybe it is!) but it doesn’t have to be a jot on an otherwise healthy and grateful life.
It seems like we often feel compelled to carry other people's negativity and resentments especially when their actions negatively affect our own sense of peace and gratitude. I’ve met some people who are determined to let other people ruin their lives. They have become addicted to feeling resentment and anger. Other people can be really ludicrous, it is true, and Inside Dave has to do and say things that are professionally appropriate, even when others are infuriating and stupid. Outside Dave can simply refuse to allow those people (or himself) to have sway over his peace and gratitude. He simply accepts that this is how things are, right now, and then he moves on. If necessary, he starts the day anew.
If I believed in resolutions, I would be resolved to spend a little more time each day focusing on how lucky I am in almost every way. Most of what irritates me on a daily basis is nothing but regular real life nonsense that we all have to face occasionally. If that is the worst that happens on a given day, then things aren’t that bad. I'd rather face it and know my feelings than hide behind a false façade and let the frustrations eat me alive.
Life is short and I refuse (as either of my halves) to let someone else ruin my day. Happiness may be fleeting or even not real at all, but I’ll try to be grateful nonetheless and if someone or something attempts to ruin my chill, I’ll just let good old bluff Outside Dave remind me of how lucky I am and start fresh in the moment.
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