“[(Facebook) been berry, berry good to me” -Chico Escuela. Paraphrase of SNL skit, 1978]
It's been a little under a year now that I have been on Facebook. It was a tough decision to begin with, too. Many friends had already signed up, while I stood, as it were, indignantly clenching my fists in a pantomime of a three-year-old-ab-so-lute-ly NOT moving and ready to hold my breath until I passed out if necessary, to keep from hearing just one more reason why I should sign up.
I would preach the ills of participation to anyone who would listen, and shake my head sadly when I learned that another person had signed up.
Meanwhile, my wife took a new position with a company which required her to make a Facebook account. She told me about it, and I said "Have fun with that, Dear!"
She informed me, lovingly, that she thought that we would both sign up, together. Wisely, I acquiesced.
Since then this strange Internet phenomenon has grown into both of our lives and changed many things. I even have a Page now.
Despite my original misgivings and outright loathing of the idea of Facebook, I actually kind of enjoyed it.
It put me back in stronger contact with my brother, my best friend from childhood, my cousins, my wife’s family and even some folks from those old days that I didn’t mind chatting with occasionally.
It was also a great way to keep up with our kids without seeming like we were stalking them.
However, the one thing that has always puzzled me about Facebook, is the way it changes or adjusts our concept of friendship. One of the initial reasons that I wouldn’t sign up was that I did not wish to fend away all of the people from high school with whom I had no desire to become connected with again.
When someone would ‘FRIEND’ me, I would always be a little chagrined if I did not want to be ‘FRIENDS’ with them. I felt bad. I pictured that person approaching me on the street one day, extending a hand of friendship, and me rapidly creating a calculus of reasons why I don’t want to be friends and then not shaking hands, but shaking my head instead.
Worse, instead of ‘NO’ or ‘NO, I DO NOT WANT TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU’ buttons for denial of ‘FRIEND’ requests, there is simply an ‘IGNORE’ button. Instead of even acknowledging that someone has attempted to be friends with you, you simply keep walking, and ignore them completely.
I struggled with this, until my wife pointed out that the other people don’t know if you’ve ‘IGNORED’ them, just like I didn’t know if those folks I had tried to ‘FRIEND’ were ignoring me. They probably were, I surmised.
But even worse than the ‘FRIEND’ requests, was when Facebook changed it’s ‘FRIEND’ categorizations.
Suddenly I had a choice where I could put the folks I decided to ‘FRIEND.’
I could put them in ‘Acquaintances,’ ‘Local Area,’ ‘Family’ or ‘Close Friends,’ among others.
It seemed a challenge to decide where everyone outside of the family should go. If I put friend X as an acquaintance, would they be offended? I only see friend Z every few weeks, and we don’t have a lot of time to hang out, but I really like them and we get along great. Should I put friend Z as an Acquaintance or Close Friend?
And what about Friend W? She and I were good friends, years ago, but that was long before marriage. Do I leave her out completely?
As for friend W, my wife and I decided on a simple, albeit surefire way to decide about members of the opposite sex we ‘FRIEND’. If they are friends with both of us in ‘real life’ it’s okay. This works with our Close Couple Friends, and so on. If they are colleagues and there is a professional relationship, we can ‘FRIEND,’ as long as it’s monitored for weirdness, (that’s a whole other blog unto itself, these days!) And of course, if we wish to ‘FRIEND’ someone who is of the opposite sex, it’s appropriate to tell each other, and make sure that we are both aware of it.
Regardless of the etiquette of Facebook, it is so much more complicated than real life relationships. Missing are the facial expressions, the physical aspects of the hug, the handshake and the genial pat on the back, only to be replaced sporadically by a ‘POKE’.
Also missing, however, is the distance, the years of no correspondence and not getting to see ‘their kids growing up’.
A little less than a year, and I’m still not quite sure how I feel about Facebook’s philosophy on ‘FRIEND,’ but I am really grateful to be back in contact with friends I thought I would never see again.
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